I'M 24 AND NOT MARRIED - AND THAT'S A PROBLEM BECAUSE?
“What’s your daughter’s age? Ohh.. 24 already! How fast she has grown.. Aren’t you looking for matches yet?”
I’m sure many of you can relate to the above dialogue, especially if you are an Indian. Your distant-distant-distant fifth cousin’s friend’s mom would have asked this to your dad or mom at some point in a family occasion. Yes? Of course yes! At least we have one thing in common. That question has no discrimination at all. Do you have any idea how dreadful that question is?
Genuine family who actually want you to get into a happy marriage aside, there are people who bring up the matter just so as to entertain themselves. Youngsters these days are wary of going to family occasions as such just because of this. Being single isn’t a bliss as they project it to be.
If you are of age, mind you, there is no such thing in written but it’s a general belief that the day you graduate, you don’t just qualify to take on a job but also a household. I’d really like to dig down the origin of this belief but I’d get nowhere with that, just a bunch of yapping mouths maybe.
Getting their daughters married has become a status quo these days and let me be frank, it’s scary to see. Getting your daughter married off qualifies you to stop your fourth/fifth cousin to ask (enquire more likely) why your daughter/son is not married off. It seems to tick off our parents so bad, they take it seriously at times. Which makes that question a nightmare.
I’d like to ask, why is it any of XYZ’s business to pressurize my parents or me to get married. Because seriously, I don’t see it affecting any other’s life then why ? Just so you can compare notes on the expenses you made on your daughter’s D day with how much my folks will spend on mine? How classy!
It makes me aghast when people compare their dowry. Really? Taking any less than your neighbor on your son’s wedding day will bring down your height an inch or more.. so it seems these days. I don’t even want to comment on that ridiculous notion.
Boys are as much a commodity as girls in this marriage business. Degrees we earn so hard by studying turns out to be a parameter to categorize ourselves on dowry system derived by the so called society we live in. How pathetic is that really?
“Your sister’s wedding is done finally… how wonderful, you are next in line. Isn’t it?”
Not wonderful at all. There is no escape for you from this question if your elder sister is getting married that day. You cringe when this question breaks out among the lot in a birthday party/ marriage/a family gathering. They so strongly believe our parents parenting is nothing but herding us in line towards the marriage hall. Come on!
Apparently, there is no gossip juicy enough for nameless aunties and uncles to bite into while munching snacks and slurping coffee that they want your life to be discussed upon. Do they have any idea how horrific it is to look upon someone making suggestions on your marriage, oh so casually stirring an idea in your parents head!
Most of the times, people say stuff (uncalled for) and forget about it. They don’t foresee the damage they do. Some girl would have lost her dream to pursue her studies, some of her dreams to be more than just a wife in the following year would have been squashed. Some boy could have had to sit down while his parents bargained a dowry, some boy could have had to change his entire career plan around to fit another person into his life. That nameless uncle /aunty has no means to know this and honestly, I don’t think they’d care even if they got to know about it.
They say their piece and on next occasion they find another parent to ask that same question to. That person never changes, that question never changes. Unfortunately sometimes, parents change, a life of a girl/boy changes. There is nothing casual about that question. It’s intriguing, urging the parents, shaming them, pointing them out in a crowd, focusing them, putting them on a spot where they have to react. Can you really fault your parents for reacting… arguably not!
And then they ask why there are so many divorces happening?
“These young people…don’t know what it takes to sustain a marriage.”
That’s right, we don’t because when you decide we are ‘of age’, when you decide it’s time to push us into it, when you decide ‘let’s give her/his parents a nudge about it’, you don’t really worry about what he/she wants. What he/she wants to make of her life. What he/she wants for in a partner. Now, do they?
We don’t buy matching degrees like you, because honestly most of us don’t think dowry has to do a thing with making us stand tall than the person next to us. Compatibility matters, getting to know each other matters. Youngsters and elders aren’t really compatible on what matters most in marriage. How many households do you think are against love marriages? As of today, even in 2016.. PLENTY.
They don’t try to judge whether he/she is ready for that commitment and all that marriage stands for. Which is sad, truly. For their simple question (repeatedly asked) could change everything for us drastically. Considering status has been/ is/always will be of paramount importance for parents, that question just about makes a direct hit.
Age does not pile up maturity in our heads, life does. And you want us to have maturity to act on something as big as marriage without giving us space to think about it. You can’t possibly hold it against us when we are still stumped with making choices in an ice cream parlor and even more so, we regret our choice within the next ten minutes. Cut us some slack yeah?
We aren’t eased into marriage. Most of the times marriage is sprung up as a surprise on us and it’s expected of us to roll along and figure it all out, CORRECTLY I might add. How can it be? Thus we stumble all over it and end up ending it altogether maybe!
Marriage is supposed to be happily ever after or close to it at least. Let it happen when it happens. Is that so hard? To have some semblance of courtesy, to not pry into someone else’s life to who you are not even related and have just met?!
So please, stop with all those questions. I’m 24, unmarried and that’s a problem because your daughter is 22 and married? I’d wish her a happy life and I’d appreciate much if you steer clear of me and my parents with your question bank when you meet us in a function.
Let us get married when we find within ourselves that we are ‘ready’ for it.
Until then though, we dress pretty, we have our shoes and music on, we are happy our sister/cousin/brother/friend is getting married that day and we are excited about meeting our loved ones and feasting with them after so long.
By all means you are invited. So join us, without your questions please! Not being mean or anything, just being honest here. Thank you so much!
~ Sara Jothi
I’m sure many of you can relate to the above dialogue, especially if you are an Indian. Your distant-distant-distant fifth cousin’s friend’s mom would have asked this to your dad or mom at some point in a family occasion. Yes? Of course yes! At least we have one thing in common. That question has no discrimination at all. Do you have any idea how dreadful that question is?
Genuine family who actually want you to get into a happy marriage aside, there are people who bring up the matter just so as to entertain themselves. Youngsters these days are wary of going to family occasions as such just because of this. Being single isn’t a bliss as they project it to be.
If you are of age, mind you, there is no such thing in written but it’s a general belief that the day you graduate, you don’t just qualify to take on a job but also a household. I’d really like to dig down the origin of this belief but I’d get nowhere with that, just a bunch of yapping mouths maybe.
Getting their daughters married has become a status quo these days and let me be frank, it’s scary to see. Getting your daughter married off qualifies you to stop your fourth/fifth cousin to ask (enquire more likely) why your daughter/son is not married off. It seems to tick off our parents so bad, they take it seriously at times. Which makes that question a nightmare.
I’d like to ask, why is it any of XYZ’s business to pressurize my parents or me to get married. Because seriously, I don’t see it affecting any other’s life then why ? Just so you can compare notes on the expenses you made on your daughter’s D day with how much my folks will spend on mine? How classy!
It makes me aghast when people compare their dowry. Really? Taking any less than your neighbor on your son’s wedding day will bring down your height an inch or more.. so it seems these days. I don’t even want to comment on that ridiculous notion.
Boys are as much a commodity as girls in this marriage business. Degrees we earn so hard by studying turns out to be a parameter to categorize ourselves on dowry system derived by the so called society we live in. How pathetic is that really?
“Your sister’s wedding is done finally… how wonderful, you are next in line. Isn’t it?”
Not wonderful at all. There is no escape for you from this question if your elder sister is getting married that day. You cringe when this question breaks out among the lot in a birthday party/ marriage/a family gathering. They so strongly believe our parents parenting is nothing but herding us in line towards the marriage hall. Come on!
Apparently, there is no gossip juicy enough for nameless aunties and uncles to bite into while munching snacks and slurping coffee that they want your life to be discussed upon. Do they have any idea how horrific it is to look upon someone making suggestions on your marriage, oh so casually stirring an idea in your parents head!
Most of the times, people say stuff (uncalled for) and forget about it. They don’t foresee the damage they do. Some girl would have lost her dream to pursue her studies, some of her dreams to be more than just a wife in the following year would have been squashed. Some boy could have had to sit down while his parents bargained a dowry, some boy could have had to change his entire career plan around to fit another person into his life. That nameless uncle /aunty has no means to know this and honestly, I don’t think they’d care even if they got to know about it.
They say their piece and on next occasion they find another parent to ask that same question to. That person never changes, that question never changes. Unfortunately sometimes, parents change, a life of a girl/boy changes. There is nothing casual about that question. It’s intriguing, urging the parents, shaming them, pointing them out in a crowd, focusing them, putting them on a spot where they have to react. Can you really fault your parents for reacting… arguably not!
And then they ask why there are so many divorces happening?
“These young people…don’t know what it takes to sustain a marriage.”
That’s right, we don’t because when you decide we are ‘of age’, when you decide it’s time to push us into it, when you decide ‘let’s give her/his parents a nudge about it’, you don’t really worry about what he/she wants. What he/she wants to make of her life. What he/she wants for in a partner. Now, do they?
We don’t buy matching degrees like you, because honestly most of us don’t think dowry has to do a thing with making us stand tall than the person next to us. Compatibility matters, getting to know each other matters. Youngsters and elders aren’t really compatible on what matters most in marriage. How many households do you think are against love marriages? As of today, even in 2016.. PLENTY.
They don’t try to judge whether he/she is ready for that commitment and all that marriage stands for. Which is sad, truly. For their simple question (repeatedly asked) could change everything for us drastically. Considering status has been/ is/always will be of paramount importance for parents, that question just about makes a direct hit.
Age does not pile up maturity in our heads, life does. And you want us to have maturity to act on something as big as marriage without giving us space to think about it. You can’t possibly hold it against us when we are still stumped with making choices in an ice cream parlor and even more so, we regret our choice within the next ten minutes. Cut us some slack yeah?
We aren’t eased into marriage. Most of the times marriage is sprung up as a surprise on us and it’s expected of us to roll along and figure it all out, CORRECTLY I might add. How can it be? Thus we stumble all over it and end up ending it altogether maybe!
Marriage is supposed to be happily ever after or close to it at least. Let it happen when it happens. Is that so hard? To have some semblance of courtesy, to not pry into someone else’s life to who you are not even related and have just met?!
So please, stop with all those questions. I’m 24, unmarried and that’s a problem because your daughter is 22 and married? I’d wish her a happy life and I’d appreciate much if you steer clear of me and my parents with your question bank when you meet us in a function.
Let us get married when we find within ourselves that we are ‘ready’ for it.
Until then though, we dress pretty, we have our shoes and music on, we are happy our sister/cousin/brother/friend is getting married that day and we are excited about meeting our loved ones and feasting with them after so long.
By all means you are invited. So join us, without your questions please! Not being mean or anything, just being honest here. Thank you so much!
~ Sara Jothi
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